| BLARG |
[May. 16th, 2008|09:14 pm] |
BLAGRBALGARGABLA
I REALLY WANT SCHOOL TO BE OVER OK
There is like 10 days left...in the school. They are:
Monday, May 19 - I have to work on my paper.
Tuesday, May 20 - I have to go to ASL.
Wednesday, May 21 - I have to work on my paper.
Thursday, May 22 - ASL Final Exam!!!1
Friday, May 23 - Work on my paper.
And the remaining days are however long it takes me to finish my goddamn paper which I am so scared to write you guys OH man. Also my piano teacher is a jerk! If you were REALLY so sad and unconfident you wouldn't have TOLD ME HUHUHU
Seriously driving me friggin crazy I just want to chillll and go to shows and Beekon and shiiit. |
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[May. 16th, 2008|10:47 pm] |
"When you lie in your bed
And you lie to yourself" |
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| Help? |
[May. 16th, 2008|05:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
So my boyfriend is coming home soon from England. Yes, he's British. :) Anywho, I wanted to do something special for him. I wanted to put together a mixtape with really sweet songs. Only problem is, I don't really have good selection of songs on my music player to put something like this together.
The only songs really that I have are:
Flyleaf-There for you
Goo Goo Dolls- Iris
Nickleback- Far Away
Nora Jones- Come Away with Me
I'm just looking for some really heart-felt songs. Any suggestions? |
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| The Essence of Flourescence |
[May. 16th, 2008|03:35 pm] |
Well… shit
Tomorrow is the circus. Another girl named Megan quit a couple of weeks ago, so I volunteered to help out. It started out that I would be an amoeba at the end of the show… in this case, my whole body is encased in a body sized stretchy pillow case and I writher & wriggle around like a viscous ooze (that one needs practice, I’m all face and boobs and elbows in that thing) enveloping an alien or two into the amoeban abyss… or something like that, definitely don’t quote me. All I have to manage to do is not grab anyone’s testicles or fall off the stage as I can’t see shit when I’m in that thing. sure, no problem. except I acquired another role… a buffoon who can only say the words yes, no, yellow, she’s on the roof, and, perhaps. A buffoon with as much direction as this: exaggerated movements, always facing & engaging the audience, flowy overstated body language and a loud projecting voice from the diaphragm. The rest I have to improvise… as in literally. And besides visualizing and acting out this Megs Original Buffoonery, I also have to procure a baffoonaliscious costume, and the AFDB, all before tomorrow at 7:30pm. As well as learn (read: come up with) the whole routine.
NO PROBLEM! (she tells herself, trying not to freak out). granted, the only similar kind of experience I have is playing the Rat King in the Nutcracker back in 5th grade… and I missed my entrance line, but still… I was probably the very best Rat King ever… Pft… so, I’m TOTALLY not sweating it *files nails*
These are my ideas so far: plastic toy Viking hat covered in tin foil (thanks to ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) cbfarrar for the suggestion), with the long part of my hair in Viking braids. White tights with fluorescent fishnets (most of the circus is black lit in black light), some type of skirt with petticoats, of course… and the top I haven’t figured out yet, but I definitely want a lime green feather boa, if I can find one. I’m hoping a thrift shop or two and Party City will surprise me by having the majority of what I need… I also found a costume shop down town. As for the actual 2-3 minutes worth of stage time… I honestly don’t have any righteous clue. The other buffoon is all improv, he doesn’t script or plan anything, so that makes it harder. I haven’t projected from the diaphragm since 3rd grade choir. Seriously. Tonight should be interesting, belting out SHES ON THE ROOF in various inflections, all from my diaphragm. LOL
Aside: while printing out directions on how to fashion the AFDB, my boss and co-worker caught wind, got curious, and looked it up on line right on the spot. My boss found it humorous as hell… my co worker, not so much. All he could say was “these HAVE to be Burning Man ‘type’ of people! How did YOU get involved with THESE types of people” appropriately, I bit my tongue.
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[May. 16th, 2008|05:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bright eyes - happy birthday to me. | ] |
( w00t. ) |
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| Life in all it's Mystery |
[May. 16th, 2008|12:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crying | ] |
For the past few Thursdays, and for many more in the future, my Nanny has been spending the night with us. Last Thursday we went to my brother's choir concert and this Thursday we all went out for dinner. It's been nice spending time with my grandma and at the same time it's been really difficult. It's hard to realize, even now, that my grandpa isn't going to be there when I go to pick her up. My heart does a bit of a sink each time I pull around the corner.
My grandma has told me, since my grandpa passed away, a lot of things that no one in my family knew much of before. My grandpa had lung cancer, this we all knew. Recently, they found that he also had cancer on his liver. My grandpa asked my grandma not to "bother" us with it and so she kept her promise to his wishes until now. She told me that each night for the past few months, she would wake him for his medicine and he would beg God to let him die. He worried about my grandma and didn't want to leave her, yet he knew he was going to die. He didn't want to suffer anymore.
I didn't know these few things about the end of my Papaw's life until after he had died. I feel so fortunate to have spent as much time with him as I did, yet it doesn't feel like nearly enough. I want to remember my grandpa when he was happy and healthy, yet I keep having the image of the last time I saw him alive. He was heavily sedated and on a ventilator, something he never wanted. I could barely give him a hug. I touched his hand and told him I loved him. The next time I went back to the hospital, it was too late. The machines were gone and he was laying on the hospital bed without all the tubes and medicine. I never thought I would have wanted to see the machines on, but I did. I didn't want to see him gone.
I miss my grandpa so much. Some days I'll be driving and all the loss of recent months will just hit me and I'll begin to cry. I hate feeling so sad, and yet I know there is nothing wrong with feeling sad.
Driving home from Plainfield today with my Nanny, she started to talk. She told me to always listen to others, no matter how ridiculous they might sound. She told me that, even if we disagree with what someone is saying, we can always learn from them--always. She told me to love myself for all that I am, the good and the bad. She told me that I was a beautiful, young woman and to appreciate all that I am. She said, "As long as you love yourself for all that there is, then everything will be fine."
The way she said it made me realize something, I DO love myself for all that I am. Yes, I have insecurities. Yes, I may have more than others. Yet, those are part of who I am and I'm proud and not ashamed to admit that I have my own worries and struggles. I DO love myself. I think I'm beautiful and passionate. I'm passionate in ways that other people don't understand and that sometimes I may not relate, yet I am passionate nonetheless. I love my body more than I have in quite some time. I feel good. I'm tired of letting people get me down, blaming me, and making me feel as though I'm worthless. My struggle is balancing what I know and what I feel. I know I'm strong, beautiful, and talented. I know I have insecurities. I'm tired of feeling as though having my struggles is wrong. I'm tired of being blamed for them.
And I'm not going to do it anymore. I am worth something. I am worth love. I'm worth more than lies from myself or from others.
The tears are acceptable. My worries are acceptable. My pain is acceptable. My laughter is acceptable. My smile is acceptable. My fear is acceptable. I am acceptable.
So minus the words of others, I am all of these things. And I am proud of it.
I hurt and I'm going to because I can't shrug things off like they don't happen. It's just not in my nature. It's hard, but I can learn to accept that too. |
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[May. 15th, 2008|11:17 pm] |
Oh YEAH... it's boring to be at home. I remember this now.
Suddenly the whole summer is stretched before me and I'm terrified. Why? I get all bent out of shape when I'm at school, and now I'm annoyed about being home. Will I ever be happy? Probably not. I should start having fun.
However, it's kind of hard when there is absolutely nothing fun to do. Today I packed everything into the truck and my mom's car and took it all home. I went out to eat with my parents. I went to the grocery store.
I'll take a nice quiz to bide some time.
( Read more... ) |
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excited
